"I See!"

"I see said the blind man!"  That statement has been cycling through my consciousness since I was young, and lately seems to be constantly on my mind.   Seeing clearly has been a problem for me lately, in both the tangible and intangible worlds.  Absorbing and interpreting what is physically visible is difficult enough; that which requires my other senses to divine has become an ever larger chore.   I find myself perpetually frustrated by my inability to understand what is happening around me, and I am often upset by things I do not or cannot directly see.

When I was a child, my grandfather, Woodrow Wilson Simpson, used to sing a song that went something like, "Here comes Noah stumbling in the dark, trying to find a hammer just to build himself an ark."  Strange what stays with you over the years, and how it affects your life as you mature.  To me, this sound bite from "Woody" is a metaphor for the way I blindly search for the truth and attempt to act rationally based upon what I believe to be my personal reality.

At times, I am vaguely aware there is much more to the world revolving around my barely penetrable skull than I am able to perceive.   I also know that if I am more in touch with the other components of my every day existence, I will lead a more balanced and harmonious life; my Navajo friends assure me that is true.  Tapping into the dynamic of existence is a journey I view as an embryonic vision quest.  I have realized I must strive to break through the veil of confusion and frustration I am feeling in order to gain the full and complete understanding I need.

Recently I read an article in Discover magazine that spoke of a group of scientists drilling and placing a steel lined shaft directly into the heart of California's San Andreas fault.  The idea is to implant sensors, collect data and interpret the information to develop a better understanding of the fault.  The shaft is in essence a finger on the pulse of a sleeping giant.

For me the article indicated that one has to probe the heart of the problem to understand its real issues, and to have any chance at finding appropriate answers.  Probing a fault, like probing one's heart, may seem a radical approach, but how else can you view the paradox up close and personal?  At the very least, your world is going to shake, rattle and roll from time to time.

Providing my loved ones with clues to better comprehend my sometimes terrifying logic is complex and complicated.  I view myself as a passionate advocate for supporting those searching for the truth, and believe that as long as we live righteously, respect the rights of others and live within the law of the land, everything will come out right.  For me, the motivation for this behavior is that it makes me feel as good as possible as often as possible.

So, I keep searching, because I want and need improved relations with my wife, children and immediate family; I would be miserable without them.  Unlike the blind man, I often really do not see at all.  To be sure, my vision is a far cry from 20/20.  As I have learned, life can be a terrifying experience.  I have found however that it is also full of wonder, excitement and the most exquisite emotion of all ... love. I am in it for the long run; as long as my lungs hold out.  In the mean time, I hope I will not make a mess of things and leave this world with egg on my face.

Sincerely,
Barry